The Dad Difference: How To Encourage Autonomy

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Successful kids have parents or coaches who nurture their autonomy rather than controlling them. The Olympic gold medal swimmer Summer Sanders, for example, says her parents never pushed her. "Whatever I wanted to do," she says, "they were behind me, matching their level of commitment to mine."

Dads who feel like pushing their kids to compete can know that this feeling is normal. In fact, it's the fathers who care most deeply about their children who feel the most angst. But they don't have to act on their urge to command and control. Nor is it good to go to the opposite extreme and "let go."

Instead, if you face competitive anxiety, focus on finding and supporting your child's inner passion. That's a good way to encourage your child's autonomy, which is key to staying involved without controlling him or her.

Here are some other ways to support your child's autonomy:

Take your child's point of view. Say your 10-year-old isn't doing his homework. You're thinking that studying will get him into a good college and help him land a good job. He's reasoning, "It's going to get dark soon. I want to have some fun now. I can do my homework later."

You could take his point of view by trying to imagine, "If I were his age, what would I rather do right now: play outside or do math problems?" Then you might say, "I understand that you want to keep playing. But tonight we're going to Grandma's for dinner, so unfortunately, this is the only time to do your math homework." What counts is acknowledging your child's feelings. You want to convey "I'm with you."

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