How To Deal with a Defiant Teen

(Continued)

If you’re the father of a teenager, the following confrontation may sound all too familiar:

You: “Please turn off the video game and take out the trash.”

Teen: “In a minute.”

You: (10 minutes later). “Take out the trash right this minute.”

Teen: “As soon as I finish this level.”

After asking three more time and getting the same response, you go to your son’s or daughter’s room, pull the plug on the video games, and say, “You’re grounded. Get the trash out right now!”

Teen: “You idiot! You messed up my game! I’m not doing anything. I’m out of here!”

Your teenager storms out of the house without taking out the trash. You’re steaming mad, thinking “That ungrateful kid. Look at all the things I do for him--and this is what I get in return!”

 

Defiant behavior like this spurs coercive interchanges: you try to make your teenager do what you want, and your teen resists. Either you “win” or your teen “wins,” but one person coerces the other.  

 

Below are several ways you can cope with—and curb—your child’s defiant behavior. (Bear in mind that if the negativity between you and your adolescent has gotten really bad, you may need the help of a mental health professional.)

 

1. Understand that four factors contribute to defiant behavior. These are (a) your teen’s personal characteristics: irritability, short fuse, willfulness, inattention, hyperactivity, chronic illnesses, and adolescent development issues; (b) your own characteristics: many of the same characteristics mentioned above, plus any emotional problems you have; (c) your life situation/environment: financial, marital, divorce, step-family, job factors, the neighborhood you live in, your teen’s school and peer group; and (d) your parenting style: how you respond to your teen’s behavior, disciplinary techniques and parenting beliefs, consistency, and parental teamwork in two-parent families.